Weapons of Knit Destruction and Defeating the Undead

Image: Crumpart

Run for the hills! The undead are coming! Hang on? Are we knitters or are we mice? (Not that we have anything against mice. There are some very brave mice out there)

S&B Londoners stand your ground! Don’t let the undead push you around. You’re part of a brave tradition of crafty warriors. You have sticks. You have string. Let’s stand, pull up our stitches and kick some undead arse!

We’ve put together a helpful list of how to turn your humble knitting kit into Weapons of Knit Destruction.

Knitting needles: Your average wooden knitting needle is no less than a vampire-busting stake through the heart. Take that Nosferatu! Taste my bamboo 4.5mm!

Grab yourself a handful of interchangable Knit Picks Harmonies and you can take out a whole nest of bloodsucking fiends from one convenient zip-up bag. Knit Picks – when you have to take out every last bloodsucker in the room, accept no substitute.

Tape measure-circular needle combo: There’s a zombie coming!
waits till several minutes later
It’s still coming!
makes cup of tea
It’s almost here!
ties tape measure between sturdy posts or trees at ankle height
Here it is!
watches zombie shuffle into makeshift tripwire and fall on its rotting face
HA!
slices off zombie’s head garotte-style with circular needle
Ewwwww.
washes hand and finishes tea

Stitchmarkers: “Ooooo, get you with your fancy silver stitchmarkers,” they say. “NO SURRENDER!” you scream in their faces as you apply said stitchmarkers to a handy drinking straw et voila! Silver bullets. Take a werewolf down from 20 paces and still have the time to finish your bloody mary.

Yarn swift: The Mummy appears from the crypt. It shuffles towards you. Its ancient dusty hands outstretched for your throat. Duck and in one swift move (the one you practiced while bagging bargain yarn at the John Lewis sale) grab the end of a bandage, attach and start your swift spinning. In no time your Mummy is dust, bones and a neat little ball of fabric. Make yourself a nice rug with him.

UFO (unfinished knitted object): Aliens descend from space. Oooooo ooooo OoooOoOoo! They pull you up towards the mothership with your knitting bag in tow. You whip out your handy UFO. You begin to knit.

Like the commuter who sits opposite you on the tube the aliens are mesmerised. Before you know it you’re holding an S&B in the UFO. Grak is having trouble with rib stitch. Thok and Lunk have just moved onto purling. They get hungry for cake and take the ship down to the nearest bakery for some battenburg.

You use the opportunity to slip away unnoticed – your derriere probe-free thanks to the power of the knit. Future alien abductions reports are peppered with mentions of excellent bobble-hats and armwarmers.